What is home? I do not know. It’s a place I long to find.
In all my 28 years I don’t think I’ve ever felt comfortable in the places I’ve lived in. Even though I’ve only ever lived in two different places, I still somehow yearn to move and live in other places.
I moved from Africa to the UK 6 years ago (I know HUGE change) and whenever I’d get into one of my “this place is too cold, I’m going home moods” I often get people back home saying to me “come back home.” Now would I ever consider moving back to the place where I was born and spent most of my life in? The answer is always going to be “no”.
Why no? Because I know for a fact, that if I were to move back, I would have a really hard time and probably wouldn’t make it. I’d be completely on my own (as in no family, just family friends and friends) and stuff. I can’t go back; it’s just not an option. Don’t get me wrong, Botswana is an amazingly beautiful country, but living there personally for me was a nightmare at times. I don’t know why, I guess it was a mixture of home life as well as some of the people there giving me constant grief.
I always felt like aspects of my life and who I was as a person were never going to be understood nor accepted by people. I couldn’t open my mouth or walk down the street (minding my own business) without being harassed about pointless stuff. People just would not leave me alone.
Not so sure why I never feel settled in one place and always feel the need to move. It’s like I’m always trying to, or having to “escape” from a place.
Where I live now is soooo much better than the place I was living in, buuuuut, after 6 years of residence life has become a “fading dream” so to speak, and I’m starting to feel like it’s time to move on.
I’ve been preparing my big move for a while now. The decision or rather the realisation that I have to move hasn’t been the easiest of decisions. I still struggle with my reasoning at times but I know I have no other choice but to try and move on with my life in a different place.
In the words of Sia “I want my life so bad, I’m doing everything I can” (a line from Sia’s song “Elastic Heart”. I feel like I need to fight for my life so that I can have a life.
Will things be different? Will they be better? I don’t know. All I know is that “Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.”
Things in my life need to change, and if they don’t, they’ll forever remain the same.
And I don’t want that.
I don’t know if I’ll ever find a place where I belong and can call home, but I hope someday I will 🙂