13th March – Am I Done Yet?

I haven’t really been feeling myself lately. I’m not really sure what’s going on but I hate it.  Nothing worse than going through the motion of emotions and not really knowing why.

Guess sometimes we all get like that. The past 5 months have been an experience to say the least. I’ve kinda been “pushed” into doing stuff (volunteering work programme thing) that I had no choice but to (because it had consequences otherwise). I know it’s for a good cause and all, but it’s EXHAUSTING! I’m an introvert damnit! Having to deal with people EVERY DAY and be around people EVERY DAY and having to interact with them CONSTANTLY is so so tiring at times. It’s getting too much and I can’t do it anymore. I honestly don’t want to. I’ve had to supress my mental (and emotional) state for months and have been wearing my “I’m fine/I’m ok/I’m not too bad” face and I’m tired of lying to people for the sake of that dreaded “what’s wrong” conversation.

I literally come home after doing my 3 hour shift (I know it doesn’t seem very long, but when you’re me, it feels like foreverrr) and literally go to bed within an hour, because I just feel so drained. Plus travelling up and down when you don’t live within 5 mins of the place is not so fun either.

I came across this quote the other day… “One of these days, I’m going to answer, “No. Actually I’m not okay.” and no one is going to know what to do.” And when I saw it, I thought, “yup” : /

There are times when I just feel so low and so down and people ask “what’s wrong?” or “are you ok?” and I just simply answer “yes”. Why? Honestly, I think it’s because just a whole lot easier than going into detail to get to the root cause of the problem(s). But yeah…that day will definitely come, and when it does, I just hope that person just lets me cry it all out. I know holding stuff in isn’t a very healthy idea, but people don’t really understand. I’ve always felt misunderstood by most people. And when I do get to telling people, half the time they really don’t know what to do or say, because I’m too busy crying and falling to pieces.

But in the end, there’s not much anyone can do or say to really make me feel better about things.  *shrugs* It’s always been difficult for me to explain the way I feel and what’s going on in my head. I guess it’s a little true what they say about pain and hurt. It really does change a person.

*Le sigh* I know I’ll be alright, really alright. I’ve taken the time out to try figure things out and I’m (still) working on myself. I still have my days where I compare my life to others (I know I know) and really wish I had what they have (again, believe me, I know) but I’m trying really hard not to think like that when I’m having a really bad day. Things will get better for me, I just need a little bit more time I guess.

Anyway, I’ll be all done with being busy all day  every day (except Sunday) next month (YESSSSSS!!!!!!) and then I can finally BREATHE, RELAX and most importantly of all….SLEEP!

I’ve also been trying to take my mind off things by being creative. I made a beaded bracelet with the word “warrior” on it. It’s green, the colour for mental health. And I also made a macramé bracelet with the phrase “I refuse to sink” on it.  I’ve not finished it completely yet. I’m still figuring out a few techniques but I’ll get it all done one day. When I have the time to -_-

Anywhoo…. In other news, I’m off to see le bf in June! I am very very VERY excited for this trip. I cannot contain myself. I really need to get away from everything here. I can’t deal with life here and if I don’t get away, I’m going to go crazy.

So yeah, that’s basically all I got for today. I’m going to get something to eat and get back to doing nothing. Because it’s Sunday, the ONLY free WHOLE day I get to myself and I am going to do absolutely NOTHING but try to relax and get some sleep.

Take care till next time 🙂

P.s Before I forget, here’s a really great song that I just love!



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