3rd July – The Connection

I really don’t know how to start this post. They say “write what you know” so I guess I’ll just ramble on and hope that what I’m trying to say makes sense to those who chose to read this.

The last 7 years have been a bit of a nightmare for me. I have literally been on the worst emotional rollercoaster and there just doesn’t seem to be an end to it.

I’ve had to deal with a whole heap of stuff that I really wasn’t prepared for and after dealing with the worst of the worst, I just kinda changed.

For the longest time (because of everything that had happened) I because this very unhappy person. There were times where I just couldn’t deal with stuff and I would just lay in bed and cry silently for days.

I didn’t really know what was going on with me and I didn’t seek help because I didn’t want to at the time. How could I? How could I even try to explain to a professional what was going on when I couldn’t even understand it myself. I think that’s the main reason why I still haven’t done the whole therapy, talk to your doctor thing. Don’t really know if I ever will to be honest.

But anyway, one day while browsing stuff I came across something that made the lightbulb go off (on?). It was something about anxiety and depression. And once I saw that, I thought to myself…am I depressed?

Up until that point, I had never thought of myself as depressed. Just rally unhappy. But as I started to dig deeper, a lot of things seemed to fit the things I was feeling and the way I was behaving.

I always just thought I was just emotionally drained and defeated from trying so hard to make things in my life work, and when nothing was going right, I just kinda gave up. Things at times got real bad for me. I became more reclusive (I’ve always been a recluse and mostly kept to myself). I shied away from everyone and everything from time to time and all that.

But I don’t know if the things I feel and go through are due to depression. The little evidence I have gathered from various sites is all I’ve based my conclusion on.

Some days I feel fine and calm and happy, and other days I’m a total mess. But all I do know is, that whatever it is that I’m dealing with..my daily struggles, I know that I will and can get through them.

The things I’ve described obviously don’t relate to everyone suffering. Mental health affects people in different ways. It doesn’t hurt to read and learn more about all things mental health, or even speak to a doctor about it (I know, big talk from me saying that considering it’s the one thing I don’t have the courage to do).

Mental health is nothing to joke about. And one day, when I’m brave enough, I’ll pour my heart out. But for now, I will continue the fight in my own way.

courage-is-not-having-the-strength-to-go-on-it-is-going-on-when-you-dont-have-the-strength-quote-1

P.s Quick shout out to all those who have been there and continue to be there for me always XxX

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