18th December – Things I Would Love To Do (But Can’t)

I wish I was brave. I used to be. I think I was. I dunno.

I’m still trying to figure out the last 7 years of my life. Still not quite sure what happened to me. I’m a completely different person now then I was back then.

Before I had zero chill about stuff. I would go outside and enjoy it. Well sometimes I did. But now, I tend to stay indoors a lot. Ok maybe the weather has something to do with me staying home a lot.

I think another reason has something to do with the fact that before (back home I mean) I used to get harassed every time I left the house. And I do mean all the time it happened. I would literally have guys “cat-calling” me all the time and always wanting to talk to me. I’ve even had guys follow me for a few mins until they realised I wasn’t interested. Probably also because I wasn’t responding to the in the same language, lol.

But my point is, like the title says.. there are many things I would love to do (but can’t). I have mild agoraphobia and social anxiety, so as much as I would love to go outside for a walk when the weather I decent, I can’t. Because I’m so self-conscious that it makes dong things like being outside not so easy (hello the introvert in me).

I would love to go to a concert, but I can’t, because I don’t do so well with large crowds. I would also love to go to open mic nights and more outside activities, but because I have social anxiety and all that, I just don’t do any of it.

And also because of fear. I am scared of doing ANYTHING. I wish fear didn’t hold (or keep) me back from doing things I know I would love and really enjoy.

If it weren’t for fear who knows what my life would be like. A whole lot better than what it has been that’s for sure. And I know compared to some I have it pretty easy, but I can’t live my life feeling good about the “bad” or “unfortunate” things in my life. I do feel sorry for those people and as harsh as this sounds, that’s their life and this is mine.

Anyway, I guess it’s just my environment. I do live in a beautiful area, but for me, as a creative person (or so I like to think of myself as) there’s nothing that excites me here. You want that kinda life, boy do you have to travel a fair distance to find it.

I dunno. I’m sure once I change my environment everything else will change too. Well at least I hope it will.

Only one way to find out I guess..

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