2016 sure was some year eh?
So I’ve been thinking a lot lately.. about a whole bunch of things. Mainly about the last 5 years (7 more like it) and about how I want (or rather don’t) want the next 5 years of my life to be.
This post is probably going to be a whole load of nothing, but I figured since I won’t be writing on here for a while (and it’s the last day of 2016) I should just let it all out and get everything off my chest. No holding back.
So here goes nothing..or something.
I can still remember the day I found out my life was about to change. Boy was I all the emotions possible. I thought “YES!” FINALY!!” This was it. My whole word was about to change. I’ll admit I had superficial dreams about how my life was going to be.
Don’t get me wrong, life here has been a way better than it was for me before, but the vision I had of life hasn’t been like anything I thought it would be.
First few years were just ugh. I can’t get into detail about too personal things but it wasn’t an easy time for my family and I but we got through it (I think).
As for me…I changed completely. I hate to admit this but I’ve been unemployed for 5 years. Yep. 5 long ass years. I’ve never felt so useless in my entire life. I think that being unemployed for this long has played a major part in my mental health issues. The anxieties I’ve felt have been unbelievable. I have had more panic attacks than any one should ever have. I freak out a lot. Been depressed, had all kinds of ill thoughts (I still do at times) my confidence has been at an all time low. Like at times I just don’t have it in me to carry on anymore. I don’t have the strength or energy to keep trying knowing that I’ll be once again met with disappointment.
I hate feeling like a failure. And that’s exactly what I’ve been for the last 5 years. A big ol failure.
It sucks. It really really does. Because I know I’m none of these things I feel that I am. I’m capable of doing so so much more with my life. I know this. And this is why I have to do what’s necessary.
I’m scared. I’ve never been more scared of doing anything in my life than I am of this. I know what I have to do but I’m so so scared of taking that step. I’ve been meaning to do it for years but something has always prevented me or stood in the way.
I have to leave my life here and move on to something better. Not that I can even say I’ve had a life here because I haven’t. In 7 years I’ve not made a proper friend (I have loads of online friends), it’s probably due to the fact that I have social anxiety and hardly ever leave the house. I really wish I had some friends. Would have been nice and would have probably made a little difference in my life. Having someone to talk to and all that, but sadly I don’t.
Anywhoo enough about pathetic lil me with no friends and back to the serious thing that I was talking about before I got distracted. For some people, packing up would be an easy thing. They just up and do it. Me I feel guilty about it. Why? Because it feels like I’m abandoning my Dad when I really should be here helping him out and stuff. My Dad has been the one constant that has been there for me since day one. Always there to help me whenever I needed it always did stuff with me and was always involved in my life. So I guess that’s why I feel like the worst person in the world for wanting (and needing) to do this. I can tell he doesn’t want me to leave and move out the country because he kinda said so the last time I tried to tell him y reasons why I need to leave. I know he’ll be alright and stuff, but I worry you know. I’m the kind of person who worries about anything and everything ALL the time. But I’m unhappy. And I’m soo miserable. And I have been for a very very long time. I’m going to be 30 next year (wtf 30?!!) and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I want my Dad to be proud of me you know, and I can’t do that if I’m stuck being here being a bum (I say bum because I can’t seem to get employment here and all I do is stay home and do nothing all day). Hate hate hate it. I feel so useless and worthless.
I have got to do something with my life before it’s all over. Gotta stop kidding myself that things will finally happen for me here. It’s been 5 years and all I’ve had is disappointment. And plenty of it. I’m tired of things not working out for me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to feel the way I have been for the past 5 years. It’s horrible and I need to get out.
I honestly never thought my life would turn out the way it has. I know in comparison to others it’s been great, and in some aspects it has been, but still not the life I want and need.
I’m just so tired. Of everything. Which is why I need to just go and venture out on my own. The other reason why this move is so important is because I need and want to be with the person I love. It’s so difficult being away and apart from him and I know he feels the same way. But other than that, I really need to do this. For me. It’s not like there’s anything to keep me here or worth staying for (apart from my Dad).
I just feel like this is my last chance to make something of myself. And I’m never gonna be able to reach my full potential if I’m stuck here wasting my life away.
But like I mentioned before, this is scary and I’m scared as hell about going forward with everything. At times I feel like I’m not going to be able to do it (damn that insecure voice of mine!). If you’ve seen the movie “Wild” or “Into The Wild” then you’ll have a faint idea of what I’m about to do. No I’m not about to wonder off into the wildernesses to go find myself or something. I’m just packing up my things, leaving and not returning for a while.
It’s crazy. Definitely the craziest thing I’ve ever thought about ever doing. I can’t just pack up and leave with no place to stay, no proper plan and no job to support all this. It’s madness I tell you! Utter madness! But doesn’t all greatness come from a little bit of madness?
I’m just tired you know. Really really tired. I’ve been struggling for a really long time and I’m just over all of it. I’m tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of the ultimate disappointment. I was unhappy before but the last few years have been hard. It’s like I’ve been on this never ending roller coaster and I just can’t seem to get off it.
This wasn’t the plan and this is not how my life was meant to turn out, nor do I want it heading in the direction it has been (which is nowhere). I look at myself in the mirror and do you know what I see? Nothing. Do you know what I feel inside at times? Nothing. Just an emptiness of nothing, and I hate feeling like I’m nothing. Not a very nice feeling going through life feeling worthless.
It’s time for me to just take that leap. Find out if the risk will be worth it in the end (which I hope it will be).
I’m scared as hell and so very worried that things won’t work out for me (because I have nothing set in stone). It’s very risky what I’m about to do. I’ve never done anything like this before and I am nervous about it. It’s also difficult for me to just leave. I do want to leave, but at the same time I do worry about what I’m leaving behind. But on the other hand, I can’t really worry about things because I don’t really have anything here. In the 7 years I’ve been here I haven’t had much of a life. I’ve got no friends (yeah I know, what?! No friends at all?? True story bro. Zero friends in 7 years. #loser) and my family…I can’t and won’t comment on that but yeah. I know more people elsewhere than I do here.
So yeah…all I want for myself is to have a life before it’s over and live it too. I know I’m capable of doing so much more with it. I just feel I can’t do it in my current location. I gotta go out and find my purpose in this world. I’ve been so lost for sooo long that I just don’t know what else to do other than leave everything behind and start afresh.
I really think this is the best thing for me to do. In fact I know it is.
I have to do this, and I have to do it now. Before it’s too late. I don’t want to be 30 (which I will be in November) and still be a nobody.
So yeah..here’s to me in 2017. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I hope to finally make it on my own and make something of myself.
Wish me luck! 🙂