It really doesn’t seem like I’ve actually been here a whole month. Still feels like I’m a tourist just vising the area and I’m due to leave and return to wherever soon.
So how do I feel about my first month away from home? Disappointed. I know I should be feeling every other emotion but lately I’ve been feeling rather disappointed in myself.
The reason why I’ve been feeling so disappointed in myself lately is because everything that was supposed to happen…hasn’t. Everything has changed, but at the same time it hasn’t. And that’s what annoys me the most. I knew things weren’t going to magically fall into place but I always thought thing would be a whole lot easier once I move here.
Disappointment isn’t easy to deal with. Once you’ve been knocked down a few times it can be really difficult to get back up again
So yeah..I’ve just been feeling a bit down about things. At times I feel as though me doing all this has been in futile and that I should just give up since it doesn’t seem like things are going to happen for me any time soon.
I don’t know. I really don’t know what my next move will or should be. All I know is that I cannot go back to the situation I was in before. It was not a very good one mentally.
I guess at the end of the day I should be at least a little proud of what I’ve accomplished, even if the only thing I did was leave. It’s still a start. I always try to remember that “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” – Lao Tzu. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of myself for leaving. I knew I had to and that it would be the best thing for me. Sometimes in life, if you really want something, you have to go after it with all that you’ve got.
I’m not going to give up just yet though. “In life you have to adapt and overcome” (that’s a quote I heard on a tv programme). Maybe that’s what I need to do – adapt to my situation. I just don’t know how to. (This adulting thing is REALLY hard!) I’m just really struggling with a lot of things and I trying my very best to adapt to things but I don’t know. It’s been hard. Really hard, and I’m worrying and stressing out and not sleeping much and all that hoopla.
My surroundings currently are great. I haven’t been made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. (I’m referring to my outside surroundings here to clear up any misunderstandings).
I think the thing that scares me the most is that I’m out here on my own (as in no family or people I’m really familiar with). All comforts I had before are gone. I’m in a new environment. I have to chance but I’m scared of change. I don’t want to lose myself by changing too much. I shouldn’t have to change just because things have changed. Well I kinda do and I don’t. I don’t know. Everything is just so very confusing and I feel as though I’m about to lose my mind.
Time to do some serious soul searching again me thinks.