October Beginnings

So my blogs for September didn’t quite work out. I used to be so good at writing daily, but things and work made me post days later and in the end I though it’ not even worth me continuing. Trying to maintain two blogs is so hard!

I normally post on Sundays, but I thought I’d post one today seeing as though I’m at work on Sunday and will probably still be tired from work on Friday to write a post on Saturday for Sunday.

Anywhoo, let me get started.

Every time the 3rd day of the month rolls around, I am reminded of my situation, my choices and decisions.

Being an adult isn’t easy. Making adult decisions isn’t easy, but there comes a point in your life when you have to be an adult and make serious adult decision.

The decisions I’ve had to make this year haven’t been so easy for me, but I knew I had to make them.

I still think it was crazy of me to move to a place where I had nothing set in stone. I’d gotten myself used to the fact that I would probably end up being a drifter.

I left for England 8 months ago. It’s been a hard 8 months. Whole lotta tears, stress and frustration. I honestly didn’t think things would happen for me. There were even times when I thought I would have to admit defeat and go home the same loser I was when I left.

(Yes I know I’m not a loser, I just feel/felt like one at the time)

The plan(s) I had for myself haven’t worked out so well. I’ve only manged to achieve one thing – get a job. It’s not the best of jobs and I’m hardly ever at work (I work at most 3 days a week, yeah it sucks).

I tried. I really did try to get my life sorted. I still am trying, but it’s been difficult. I was supposed to have the independence thing down by now. I was meant to have my own place to live in by now. I was supposed to have landed a decent job by now, but none of that has happened.

Instead, it’s been 8 months of “what am I going to do?”

Even now, after getting a job (which I only applied for as a last resort) I still feel like things are going nowhere.

But despite everything that’s happened (or hasn’t) things could have gone or rather been, a whole lot worse. I could have ended up moving from place to place every other week, not having a stable environment and possible cause me to have an unstable mind.

(Before I left, I wasn’t in a very good place. I hadn’t been doing so well for a really long time).

I would have been around strangers, people that I knew absolutely nothing about (except from what I would have read about them). I could haven ended up in various hostels. They aren’t so bad, but you don’t always get the choice to have your own room, and with the stuff I had, wouldn’t have been a very good idea. But had I nowhere else to go, that would have been where I could have ended up, had there been room available.

I am lucky that my situation turned out alright.

For the past 8 months, I have had a roof over my head and have been in a stable environment. I have always had food to eat and have been surrounded by good, decent people.

I was (still am) safe and well looked after.

I’m very lucky. Lucky that I am safe and well looked after. Lucky that I am surrounded by people who, out of the goodness in their heart, took me into their home and allowed me to stay a while.

I do know that I cannot be with them forever and eventually I WILL have to move out and get my own place at some point. I’m hoping that I can get a better job or at least a few stable part time ones, I’ll be in a better situation financially.

As I keep saying and will continue to say, I’ll be forever grateful to all who’ve helped and supported me thus far. I cannot thank them enough.

And while I am happier with things now, I do not have any regrets about where I am or what I’ve had to do to get to where I am now.

I guess I’ll always be a little upset about leaving my Dad. I have this mentality that I should be there always to help him out. And me having to leave just felt a bit wrong.

But I had to do it. For me. And I’ll have to continue doing whatever I can to sort myself out and better myself so that I can have the future I deserve.  

I’m in a better place mentally now. I just have to keep trying and not give up.

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