It’s Been 3 Months Of..Everything!

Before I get into this post, I just want to say hi, hello. This post is going to be VERY long as I have ALOT to say.

I’m going to keep this as real and honest as possible.

So my January started out alright. I was looking forward to going back to work after being on holiday for nearly 3 weeks.

Things were good but then something happened..I got the case of the blues. And I got them real bad. Every day being at work was really difficult for me. I was just trying to hold myself together and not fall apart.

People at work noticed my change in mood, but I gave the illusion that I was fine, but deep down I was not.

Mid February I finally reached breaking point. I had my break down. At work. I went into the office led by my department leader (as she could see I was breaking or about to) and I had my moment there.

I hate feeling vulnerable infront of people but at the same time, I feel no shame in crying infront of people when it all becomes too much for me.

Over the years I’ve been finding different ways to cope and deal with my anxieties and depression and for the most part they’ve been working. I’ve not been to the doctors to discuss any of this because one of my biggest fears is them listening and not hearing me and them saying ok here’s some meds for you, try these and get back to me in 2 weeks. I don’t want to be a guinea pig for various medication that may or may not work.

Now I’m not completely against medications, I’ve seen it do wonders for some, but I’ve also seen the really bad effects it’s had on others, and I don’t want that for me. Like I’m literally soo scared of taking something because there’s this fear in the back of my mind that if I take, it’s going to alter my mind and personality..and for me..that is a scary thought.

I’ve always had to fight..to defend myself, to prove myself, and I’ll be damned if I have to rebuild myself all over again. I’ve picked myself up waaay too many times in my life to have to do it again.

I know this is going to sound silly but I’m that person that is shit scared of everything. I’m the person who panics at the slightest thing. It takes me a while to adjust and come to terms with things. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to take that step of actually talking to someone about what’s really been going on and how I’ve been feeling.

There’s soo much more to me that I wish I could share but at times I don’t like giving someone my complete all, because I’ve always felt misunderstood and I don’t want to strip myself down only to be judged. And I have been, by many people. People take one look at me and make up their mind and I hate that. Maybe that’s why I’m such an introvert at heart, but I’m getting better at being around people and dealing with them.

But yeah, that was that. I took some time out to calm down and I slowly got back to my old self. I think it helped being at work. I needed to be kept busy so I wasn’t constantly thinking and working myself up into a state.

My managers and co workers were amazing to me during my not so great moments. They never let me forget that they are always there whenever I needed a chat and that help is always available.

Thank you everybody, I really appreciate all of you 🙌

Wow that was a lot. I can now get into the other stuff that’s been happening.

So in March my store turned 1 and we had a little party to celebrate. Boy what a night that was!

I had all kinds of alcohol and because I very rarely drink, the alcohol hit me really quickly and I did some things that even I’M shocked by 🙈  All good things I promise.

I mentioned before how I’m a bit of an introvert and I exhibit most of those attributes- shy, quiet, etc. Like I’m very reserved. I feel uncomfortable 80% of the time. You will NEVER see me dance, never hear me sing along to songs on the radio or music or ANYTHING.

But that night, something came over me (maybe it was the tequila) but I suddenly felt different. No fears, no insecurities no nothing.

I was just so…relaxed. And calm.

I can honestly say that I had a great time. The time of my life! I have never had that much fun and it felt awesome to just let loose and have a great time. That night I did things I never thought possible of myself. It was like I was a completely different person. Or was it just the old, real..true me emerging. All I know is that it felt really good to just let loose and enjoy myself.

So yeah, that night felt like a turning point for me. From that night on I felt like I was capable..like it was ok to do normal things infront of people and not feel all sorts of uncomfortable.

Now whether this only happens when I drink I don’t know. Alcohol does many a thing to one. Especially me, but I’m a fun mess when I drink 😂

I do feel comfortable around my work mates and we get on so well so I guess that helped “bring me out my shell” 😊

I can assure you that work the next day with a slight hangover was a mission and a half 🤕 lol. But I survived!

But all that’s changed now 😔

This pandemic that the world is going through right now has taken away everything I know. My work place has had to shut temporarily. No work = no money coming in. We’re all being forced to stay indoors at home until this alll blows over.

Nobody knows for sure how long this is going to last. I love my job, I really honestly do. And I get on with most of my co workers and my managers are great. Since I started working at this job I have never hated leaving for work. Never dreaded (ok maybe here and there) the thought of going to work. I like where I work, the location is ideal and we don’t get much trouble.

Every day is soo different and that’s what I like. We get loads of regular customers and I just love seeing them come in and having a quick chat.

I see young families come in with their kids and that just brightens up my daay. Seeing their little faces light up when we see each other. It makes the work day that much better ☺

But that’s all gone now. No more waking up to an alarm to get ready for work. No more enjoying my cup of tea before starting my shift. No more seeing my co workers.

Nothing.

It’s all gone for now. And even though it’s only temporary, it feels like I’ve lost everything. Me working and having a job wasn’t just about making money (obviously I need the money because I’ve got bills to pay and it’s just me on my own here) but being at work gave me a sense of purpose. Like I’d finally found my sense of purpose and I was finally contributing to society.

My biggest fear of not being at work and being stuck indoors all day and night is how badly its going to affect my mental health. I went through 6 years straight of unemployment. It was hard and it was horrible. I already felt so isolated because of where I lived and the fact that it was very cold all the time so I barely left the house anyway unless necessary. But at least I had someone around to talk and interact with. Right now in my present current situation, I’m on my own. I fear I’m going to go stir crazy 😬🤪

But despite the situation I’m in, I think I’ll be alright. I’ve got plenty of books, enough craft stuff to set up my own stall and needlework to last a fair few months.

And even though I’m living alone in my very tiny flat, I must always remember and keep in mind that I am not alone. Anytime I need to talk to someone, there will ALWAYS be someone nearby ready to listen. Someone to be there for me when I need someone.

We’re all in this together and we’re all looking out for each other, which I think is really great. It’s great to see people and the community come together at this very worrying uncertain time.

So yeah, welcome to the first 3 months of the year a my life.

All I can do is keep myself safe by staying indoors as instructed (it sucks because it’s such a lovely sunny day today) and just try to get through this as best as I can, and come out of this stronger.

Things will get better.

Take care everyone and please look after yourselves and your families ❤

Xxx

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